"What does it mean Mr natural? It don't mean sheet!"

The above ditty,was from R.Crumbs Zap comix. I go from thinking we all are interconnected and "everything happens for a reason..." Then I get burn out,and think nothing has any order--it's all just a random "joke" on us. I have struggled most of my life to help others, do the right things like keep my integrity,believe in a better world,and do all I can to be part of making it that way. the older I got and the more i learned,came to find out things I wish wasn't true but are...It's a lonely place when you "know too much" Not many you can have a conversation with,that can understand,or even want to know about it. I can't blame them,they say "ignorance is bliss" I didn't and spent my life searching for truth and the so called Holy grail.I learned about science,experienced many religions,explored the outer reaches of the mind-soul-spirit,in hopes of sharing these things with others of like mind.
I wonder if it was for nothing,because it seems with all the praying good deeds,these many years,God or whatever name you choose,has left me high & dry over & over again. some folks talk about how they found a good husband,or made a successful business out of nothing,many give thanks to the creator for help. Me I feel like "Oliver" most days holding out a bowl,saying please sir can i have some more? What good is talent if it's not being used? What good is "knowledge" if it's not being shared? What good is having gifts,if one is so poor,as to not be able to even afford to fix a guitar,I had for 30 years? I never had a new one,so put one on my guitar center wishlist,with some harps. Then I find debts people left me,as i try to live on $200 bucks a month--after rent. I was hoping to play the streets,as I used to in New York,because I am on a fixed income,with health issues,and can't find any way to make honest money. My writing is waiting to see if I will finish it. Not like that will make much,because I was planning   on posting it free anyway,and maybe have a donate button. I feel worn down,and frustrated,my keyboard is going out too. I just wanted to be able to do better in my life,and know it will only get worse. sorry but that's all I have for now folks. Have a good day y'all.