Hi Y'all,wishing all Best Regards,as my grandpa would sign his cards to me many moons ago.
This year has been like a decade,not even fooling. It would take me hours to expound on what happened.
For the moment I want to focus on what I want out of life when I croak someday.There have been many folks both kind and cruel to me over my lifetime. I learned very young from my mother," People don't care about us we have to do for ourselves."
She was very right,and I find it too hard to ask for help from others,when it is on a monetary level.
It's easier to do all I can to provide for myself and family,and do without sometimes,then ask for help.
There have been times almost strangers have given us help when needed,(like when our car died in Georgia years ago,and needed to be fixed.Being disabled or the working poor in this country sucks,you are thankful for what you do have-the people you love and a roof over your head. It's very hard when you don't have money for the emergencies in life that come up.
If your lucky,you can borrow and pay back to the best of your ability.
Other times,like when our old car needed repairs,God\G-d came though someones caring heart and hands. A Lady I had never met,but knew her niece from the RCIA classes(I converted to being a Jewish Catholic!) When she heard of our plight in a letter from me(we were writing back and forth before that for a year.)
She lived in Florida,I met Lucy her niece in Eugene Or a couple of years before we moved to Athens GA.)
She sent us a check for $500.00 to get the car fixed. It was a blessing/Mitvah I couldn't repay,but she was thankful to help. A few months later she passed away,I'm glad we connected in this life.
Today we saw a man,who is a poor soul. He is old like us and pushing a shopping cart,that contains his life.He is not alone, his big black dog is on a lease next to him,as the man pushing his load safely across a major street corner.His Camo jeans ripped and worn in the cold December day.
We are sitting in our 14 year old suv,and was coming back from using our own change and few dollars to pick up last minute needs. We had a plastic bag with a couple of bucks in change left,and stopped at the light,my sis jumped out to give it to him,he was so ,surprised and in unexpected happy shock,he reached to give her a hug,and she hugged him back! He looked o,thatver at me,as she got in,and I blew him a kiss,as I made the sign of the Cross. Two pretty black young ladies,sitting besides us,saw the whole thing as they smiled and had tears in their eyes.
That is the truth spirit of Christmas and Hanukkah and any ole holiday or everyday. It is the spirit of giving to help another in time of need,giving from the heart,what we can to make it better for another soul,when we can.
(he wasn't a drunk or Meth head-we can tell at first site.)
I had Homeless photo-taking burn-out before we left Eugene this year.
Another long tale for perhaps another day.
Today I spoke to some wonderful people at The Hebrew Free Burial Society in New York.
They gave my Mother a Decent Burial and Holy place to Rest,in 1982. I was a single parent in Oregon raising my 2 children,when the call came she had Killed herself. An uncle was kind enough to contact them and me. I rode the Greyhound dressed in black across country. I knew very little about Jewish burial rituals. I was from the poor side of the Subway tracks,so guess it wasn't important to at least give me some kind of heads up,what to do or not do.
It was an orthodox service and I was used to what Catholics do. Not understanding it was rude for me to look at her grave. There were no flowers that chilly April day. And what well to do relatives did come,I'll bet The Rabbi must have been disappointed in what he saw. I didn't understand it at the time, it's way clearer now....
He must have thought I had money too,because of a pair of nice boots I had bought the year before. Most of my money went to rent,bills food and my kids.
He looked at me while crying looking at her wooden coffin,(not knowing I had saved her life since childhood many painful times. None of them knew that part.)
The Rabbi said very stern"Are you going to watch as we shovel the dirt on her too? " I felt shame for something that wasn't making any sense. I felt dirty,and ran towards the parking lot,crying my heart and soul out.
My baby brother came to hug and comfort me,he had only turned 18 that year,and knew how hard our lives had been. (Little did we know he would be killed in the next month...)
After my "Family couldn't be bothered to drive me from Staten Island,to Brooklyn for whatever it was Jews do to have a wake and eat. I was staying with a girlfriend,until going back on bus to Oregon.
She thought we should go out and eat,her boyfriend told her"Can't you see how upset she is? Diane don't want to go out." He was so right.
So this week I contacted Hebrew Burial in an email,asking if it was possible I could someday be buried near my mother? On a very fixed income,was willing to pre-pay something. I was willing but not wanting to become homeless there to do it, preferring to live in Mississippi.My step-sis will cremate me,if I don't figure out something else.(It's nice she would wear my ashes in a pouch--but no thanks.)
I will have to in time make a go fund me,the reality is Yes! I can be buried near my mom. It will be 2 grand to ship my body there. And it would be nice if I could pay the expenses,for it too. That means I would have to ask for 6 grand on my page.
unless a miracle happens and I can write my books and make some money,Less then 7 hundred bucks SSI won't be enough. So they are sending me paperwork,to start the process. I don't want to impose on Blood relatives,most didn't care about us really anyway. It's not their responsibility. My mom was so worried about winding up in Potters field. A place for people who have no-one to care or remember. They have numbers not names,as far as I remember what she said. This is my Birthday wish,that this will really happen. Some folks think It's nice I have a dream. Unless it really happens (though I have plenty of faith it will) It would just be another important thing that fell apart for me.
It's not morbid,it's fact and reality for me. As Sinatra sang "I did it my way"
Thanks for listening,till next time-
Best Regards and blessed holidays.
We spoke and they were
